But I have been miserable and full of spite for too long and everyone around here is like me and I've been lonely around these people and I'm beginning to feel like I'm decomposing and I've done nothing and felt nothing and I should probably try to change something internal about Me rather than try to change everything external, but internal is so difficult.
When I have to be around people or talk to people I always feel drained in some way. Even if I'm really enjoying myself. I'm always doing some kind of work when I'm talking to other people or being near them. I don't let go of the personalities I've created for them; or, more accurately, the personalities I think they've created for me to live in. It's never effortless. So I'll hide. Take off in my truck, sit, stare at the present. Completely alone.
In these weeks I've let these really idle, harmless ideas come and go. But I haven't done what I think you are supposed to do in these situations, which is take inventory of your life, examine where you've been and where you're going. Figure out what you're going to do differently, why you are unhappy, what has made you want to leave your life here.
None of that. It's like my head is a sieve and the road just passes through it, and everything else is constantly falling through it, too, and ends up in this huge bowl of the present. Drive and drive and never arrive anywhere, just feel the pulse of the road. When I finally fall asleep it's like my day has just blown through me, leaving almost nothing behind.
Is this good or bad? And why do I feel the need to categorize it?
