2009-02-05
You sometimes feel like you are living the third-person life, because it is hard to engage in things, because you pass everything through a Sadness Meter to see if it seems okay to do right now. You start criticizing your own actions as you do them or before you do them, just feeling awful for thinking about doing something. You wonder if it is okay to do some things, because maybe they are not sad enough, and at the same time wonder if you are actually thinking about how much you are affected and if you are affected enough, then how can you possibly be affected enough? Or about the measuring of this, because there will be a time when you feel like you can do less sad things, and in between now and then, what happens? What changes? Does your heart just harden, or does all of this slip away, or is it something else? I want it to be something else.
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