Thanks for sending me a letter! I don't get many actual letters anymore and yours was on such nice paper - stunning, really.
However, there are some points I'd like to discuss.
1. The return envelope ought to be postage paid. Those 37 cents falling on my back won't break me, but let's be honest - it's a little flakey to ask for money, include the envelope, then ask them to put their own stamp on it. I understand my credit card company doing it - they aren't asking for money. They are demanding it.
2. You have the wrong graduation date for me. If you want me to believe I am special, get it right.
3. Please address me by my first name, not Mr. Last Name. Sounds like you are talking to my dad.
4. Don't expect money from people who don't have jobs. I realize I don't keep you as up to date on all of my comings and goings as I could, but you aren't getting money from people who have no money (that distinction is reserved for liquor stores, gambling outfits and all things pornographic).
5. Right now I wish I had majored in physics and cooking, but you don't offer a cooking major. Don't worry too much about this one, though - my hindsight wishes change every few weeks. After Tax Day it will be something like civil engineering and folk music.
6. I received a bachelor's in rhythm and rhyme from my preschool (admittedly, a non-accredited institution and a degree mill if there ever was one - I have no sense of rhythm) about 17 years ago and they haven't asked for a dime from me. Tell me - what gives you the audacity to ask for money so soon after we part ways? Wouldn't it be better if we put ourselves in a situation so we could be like long lost lovers at the crossroads of our lives meeting in a Paris bakery, rekindling our passion over scones in an outdoor cafe and then resolving to living our lives with more immediacy. We'd get an apartment, though neither of us speaks French nor do we care for France that well, and sleep late. We'd have fresh squeezed orange juice and a healthy scorn for French bread, because the thick crust is so fucking gross.
7. I have little or no interest in your magazine.
8. The donation form should be a separate sheet, not attached to the letter. It should have a slightly more elegant layout. It needs more white space.
9. Thanks for not calling. I hate being asked for money over the phone.
That's about it.
Thanks again,
K.
