About three years ago I accused my roommate of peeing in the sink. His response was, "You do it, too." (A denial would've been more comforting). But the truth was that I didn't - because I'm not tall enough to. I'd need a footstool or stack of books. I demonstrated this fact and he just shrugged. What are you supposed to do when you find out the person you live with: a) pees in the sink and b) thinks you do it, too? Well, don't use the damn sink, for one.
The use of the word "ironic" for things that are not "ironic" makes me want to take horse tranquilizers. But use the word "ironical" for things that are not "ironic" is much worse to me. Yes, it's a real word. It's just a stupid sounding word. Sure, magic has magical, but what would you do if someone said, "I felt patriotical at the military funeral." Or "Hydrochloric acid is very caustical." Or "The comedian was a little too sarcastical for my tastes." Or "Grammy can't leave the house because of her spastical colon, which is tragical." You would punch the person in the face, then kick them for a while, then steal their wallet, leave and call an ambulance because it's so ridiculous to say something like that. I have a feeling that "ironical" and "magical" got started because the people who said those words were poor, so it wasn't worth stealing their wallet. JUST BE VIGILANT!
Favorite sentence from a job thing email: "I kindly request that you please do not call us regarding the status of your application. If you do not hear from me within two weeks, it means that no suitable match is available at this time." So straightforward! I love it.
Here's an email thing that I get once every two weeks. I'll fill it out now:
1. WHAT TIME IS IT? the height of capitalism
2. NAME ON BIRTH CERTIFICATE? Kid Leviticus Tetris
3. NICKNAMES: Bubba, Apollo, Tron, Laser (last 3 are self-given)
4. PARENTS NAMES: Trixie and Gideon
5. NUMBER OF CANDLES ON LAST BDAY CAKE: a bidet cake? Similar to a urinal cake, I suppose. I don't eat either.
6. HEIGHT: heroic proportions
7. COLOR OF EYES: brown - the color of hope.
8. PIERCINGS: frequently, in the heart
9. TATTOOS: 'hate' on right knuckles. 'pusillanimous' on left knuckles. portrait of Boba Fett on my back.
10. HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE YOUR JOB? Zero, but if you are an ancient Greek you don't have a concept of zero or nothingness (nothing to love, so no love exists - makes no sense to us), so it would just be very very little.
11. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? in the Vice-Grip of hatred and terror
12. TWO-DOOR OR FOUR-DOOR? sliding glass door
13. FAVORITE QUOTE FROM A MOVIE: i watch movies with the sound off. if i wanted to hear people talk i'd listen to the radio.
14. FAVORITE SONG: I only listen to a self-made audio tape of hyrdocolonics gone terribly awry
15. FAVORITE RESTAURANT: I only eat glass and drink stagnant water that I keep outside during the summer to attract mosquitoes
16. FAVORITE TV SHOW: TRL
17. FAVORITE FLOWER: bread machine flour - highest protein content, rises hella fast
18. WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS? slowly dying in a flop house from a combination of overdose and malnutrition. Or a place in the hills, away from the hustle and bustle of the city.
19. LAST PERSON YOU RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM? Shakira's lawyers, tersely returning heavily photoshopped pictures of my naked form
20. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED? jackoff questionnaires like this one
21. LIVING ARRANGEMENT? day to day
22. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Gravity's Rainbow (the 140-page version adapted from the original motion picture starring Tom Cruise as Slothrop)
23. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? the crystals left by my salty tears
24. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? massive layoffs
25. FAVORITE SMELL? failure
26. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? vomit, hope
27. FAVORITE SOUNDS? female laughter (except that one time) or bubble wrap
28. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? waking up next to a dead hooker
29. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? "Will the blood come out of the sheets this time or will I have to buy new ones again?"
30. FAVORITE COLOR? brown
31. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? my phone does not ring
32. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Xantro Dexontronic Helioscope Spaceshipman (did I misunderstand the question?)
33. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? people not quoting Bob Dylan lyrics around me
34. FAVORITE FOODS? ice cream
35. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? vanilla
36. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? I suppose.
37. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? if by "stuffed animal" you mean "other people" then no, I do not.
38. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? normal rain storms = cool, raining blood = scary
39. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Hot Wheels
40. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE? I would like that very much.
41. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Skittles and gin
42. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? $<0rp!0!!!!!
43. DO YOU EAT THE STEM OF BROCCOLI? My affairs with Mr. Broccoli Jackson are not to be discussed in such a glib way. But, yes, I do. Quite often.
44. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? data entry clerk in a dental supply warehouse in Racine, Wisconsin
45. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR WHAT WOULD IT BE? the colorchanging color that hip hop artists have on their cars so I wouldn't get bored of looking at it
46. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? the court papers say so
47. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? half empty and probably unwashed.
48. FAVORITE MOVIES? probably 'You've Got a Jackoff Questionnaire', a cautionary tale about a naive young woman who e-mails a jackoff questionnaire to an attractive misanthrope and so her subsequent emails are ignored.
49. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? I do not. I type by swinging my hands at the keys in a pseudo-random fashion. It actually looks a lot like a teenage boy 'exploring' his girlfriend.
50. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Jars of urine, hair and nail clippings. Not all mine.
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? Morse-Thue's constant.
52. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? MTV's Rock n' Jock softball
53. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: They own a cat.
54. PERSON YOU WILL SEND THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Carson Daly. He lives for this kind of crap.
55. PERSON YOU WILL SEND THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? President Eisenhower. He passed away.
56. FAVORITE JOKE? Job search
