The way states entered the union bothers me. There's a number of cases where their entrances are weeks or months apart. Which really seems like episodes in a drinking bender if drinks were states, because states are a lot bigger than beers or violent outburts or crapping on your friend's couch. What I'm really referring to is the 9 days in November of 1889 that saw North & South Dakota, Montana and Washington enter the party. This would be like a kid whose obviously had too much to drink, giving in to the power of suggestion and drinking another half bottle of tequila in a few seconds. Everyone is whispering, "Oh he's going to die. This is terrible. Someone should stop him." Then 6 or 7 months later (which for the purposes of this party is much shorter - perhaps 45 minutes or so) he stumbles into the bathroom and drinks some aftershave (welcome Idaho [we had to invite you because you were just the space between the aforementioned Washington and Montana], welcome Wyoming [you know, you look a lot like your friend Colorado. Go stand next to him and I'll take a picture]). Six years later the kid is in prison and his bunkmate finally lets him have some of the toilet liquor he's been perfecting [who invited Utah?]. He swears he'll never drink again. Once on the outside, he gets into a knife fight with a crooked grocer and he disinfects with rubbing alcohol [it's just Oklahoma. Go back to whatever you were doing.] Clean and sober for quite some time, New Year's Eve 1911/New Year's Day 1912 finds our hero slipping off the wagon, getting quite drunk and bedding several prostitutes [Arizona! New Mexico! I haven't seen you forever!]. Forty-seven years later he's stuck on a fishing boat in the Pacific Ocean and perfects an alcoholic fish drink [Alaska, you're looking lovely this evening] and a method of cheating at popular casino card games [Hawaii? You didn't bring Guam? Did you two have a fight again? Hey, has anyone seen Puerto Rico? My sister got into his car? Where'd they go? No use trying to find them... she's probably pregnant by now.]
TIP: Stop being so lazy at night and iron your clothes. That way you can wake up 10 minutes later in the morning. ANOTHER TIP: what seems "pretty close" from my office actually takes about 30 minutes to get to by foot. ANOTHER TIP: burrito quality varies widely, with most burritos landing at the "crappy" end of the spectrum.
ATTENTION AMBITIOUS INDEPENDENT FILM MAKER
I have an idea for an "outside the box" movie (meaning that it's one that no one except transvestites will go to). The premise is this: it centers around a Judeo-Christian religious icon planted in the unusual position of coaching a pee-wee hockey team. The story is: Mighty Ducks 1 with Emilio Estevez replaced by Jesus (but still dress like Gordon Bombay or perhaps The Jesus from Big Lebowski, I haven't decided yet - either way, we're in for a world of lawsuits) and the other coaches replaced by other religious figures. The Hawks coach, played aptly in Mighty Ducks 1 by Lane Smith, will be Moses. The last game, against the Hawks (who are now the Jews), instead of being a decisive Ducks (who are now representing the Christians) victory, the game will end in a scoreless tie (which will be very very profound).
