[I warn you, beautiful: this is a longer thing because it's been accumulating while my home network connection was down.]
1. On several occasions, the night cleaning lady at my office and I have sighed in unison, probably not for entirely different reasons.
2. I don't like it when people use "procrastinate" in its transitive form. Ex: "I procrastinated my homework." Ick. I just hate the way it sounds.
3. The first rule of Kite Club is if you don't have anything nice to say about Kite Club, then you shouldn't talk about Kite Club.
2nd rule of Kite Club: if this is your first time at Kite Club, you should fill out a new member information sheet and hand it to the record keeper
3rd rule of Kite Club: coffee will be provided at club meetings using funds from the treasury. Also small snacks such as cookies, doughnuts or individual ice creams with wooden spoons.
4th rule of Kite Club: the email list is for kite-related or Kite Club-related news and business only.
5th rule of Kite Club: no food with peanuts or shellfish will be purchased with club funds.
6th rule of Kite Club: Kite Club will not discriminate on the basis of age, race, gender, religiious affiliation or kite ownership.
7th rule of Kite Club: everyone has to help put away folding chairs after meetings
4. I was eating dinner with my dear old dad and I saw one of the most dissonant things ever. My dad and I both had burgers and when they brought the ketchup and mustard, we were given a glass bottle of Hunt's ketchup and a glass bottle of Heinz mustard.
Kind of strange. Here's a story from the Wall Street Journal about refilling Heinz ketchup bottles with non-Heinz ketchup.
3 gallons of Hunt's is 18.96 (or 19.97 for the convenient pumpable 3 gallons)
Ethics are, apparently, worth slightly less than 36 cents per 3 gallons (or 0.09375 cents per ounce).
Speaking of ethnics, why not have some "ethnic flavored rice"?
5. I was eating dinner with my entire family and my dad was complaining about the stinkin' Mariners and my sister suggested that he like a different team. "Like the Yankees. They're good, right?" Oh man, she's going to make some guy totally miserable.
6. I was in the elevator with someone who was heading to the floor of an accounting/consulting firm a few floors above me. I thought about pulling out the elevator trick some guy in my building used on me. He said, "That's a fucking rad shirt." (in reference to a decidedly normal shirt) The trick is: 1) compliment them 2) swear and 3) use 7th grade adjectives. From here, any compliment will be uncomfortable but there's a few directions you can go. You can compliment their looks ("You're fucking babealicious") but that's probably going to be a disaster. You can compliment their clothes, like was done to me, but I hear girls like their shoes ("Your shoes are so fucking awesome that I want to gouge out my eyes when I get to my desk so the memory of your shoes is burned into my brain and I never have to look at another pair of shoes again") but that seems like Creepy Guy with a Foot Fetish. Or point out something about yourself that you want them to notice ("Want to feel my jacket? The leather's so buttery you'll shit your pants.")
7. When I see a street musician I always want to shout "PLAY 'TWO STEP'!" like I'm a backwards baseball-cap wearing frat guy at a Dave Matthews concert. But secretly I want to hear "Stay" by Lisa Loeb.
8. An Amazon.com customer weighs in on Plato's Republic: "if u wanna get in2 philosophy. firstly, u have 2 read REPUBLIC"
9. I wrote something about lawn darts, and I think lawn darts are hilarious (more hilarious than hippies who take themselves really seriously). It's kind of long, but will continue to grow until I no longer think lawn darts are funny. Maybe you'll get to see it.
10. A ten item list is fine, but it is not for me. Not right now.
11. I made a spinach and ricotta pizza. First I bought a sack of spinach and didn't use it all in ravioli. I still haven't used it all after this pizza. It's like it regenerates in the fridge or something.
12. When I step outside a block or so radius of my office, I feel like I'm in this place for the first time. These tiny little surprises make having poor directional skills is a blessing sometimes.
13. I was trying to think of my hardest and easiest finals (at the time I took them). They are all weighted toward either freshman or senior year. The best papers I wrote were either in freshman or senior year (the worst papers were in sophomore - I blame the gen ed requirements and an academic culture that discourages thoughtful dissent).
14. You know Diane Court in the movie Say Anything? (The title is actually "Say Anything...", I think). I know someone who looks way too much like her and I always want to say something like, "The rain on my car is a baptism. The new me, Power Lloyd. My assault on the world begins now." but she wouldn't get it.
15. Things I inherited from my father: dark hair, bad eyesight, weak bladder.
16. A conversation with my friend Pke reveals that he'd like to meet his attractive across-the-hall neighbor, but he's not sure if she has a live-in boyfriend or what have you. Suggestion: knock on her door wearing only a T-shirt and socks and ask if she has any male underwear that you can borrow. If she does, then your question is answered. If she stands there in silence, just say "Well, I'm just going to be across the hall crafting some underwear out of a plastic grocery bag. Let me know if you find anything. It was nice to meet you." QED, I provide low-cost, scalable e-solutions.
17. You should watch movies from Czechoslovakia (how screwed did Slovakia/Slovak Republic get in that deal? I mean, Czech Republic gets Prague, which is the only thing anyone wanted out of Czechoslovakia to begin with. That's like leaving your ex-husband with his coin collection and a pile of old newspapers in a divorce. Here's the Czech Republic, hosting parties in Prague and to whom everyone wants to pay a visit, but then there's Slovakia drinking alone in the corner of an empty room illuminated by a bare lightbulb. Kind of creepy, isn't it? C'mon, let's go visit Slovakia. Just for like a half an hour to cheer him up. We'll go to Prague right after. Don't tell him that) made in the early 1960s.
