Let me clarify. You have an audience of 10 to 100 to 1,000 people who are supposed to be fixated on you, your spouse-to-be and the magic that has been created to surround your legal union. So I urge you: don't insult your audience. Don't bore your audience with the same poo-poo pagaent that is most weddings. We've seen that already. Besides - Voltron the Creator gave you certain gifts and it would be an insult to Creator Voltron if you did not share these gifts with the world.
Make your wedding a reflection of all your fucking talents. I will tell you how to do this, but I also realize that we have budgets so I'll also give you some tips on how to save a little money. But always remember that weddings are theater. Actually, weddings are musical theater.
1. Hire a large orchestra (high school orchestras come cheap!) to play your wedding.
2. Your ushers will be one of the first thing your guests will see, so they must be highly dramatic. Their appearance and costumes should land on the other side of "outlandish." The best wedding will have extremely tall men (again, the high school might have some tall football or basketball players you can borrow) dressed like characters from Star wars (pick Chewie, because Storm Troopers look kind of dumb since we already know that the Alliance won).
3. The procession is usually way too short. Yours should last between 60 and 120 minutes. The participants should reflect the couple's life and livelihood. For example, if you went to the circus on your first date and then watched Wild on E! at your house, consider having 15 to 20 lions carrying bikini-clad screaming college girls. Large animals are a must! In addition to lions, your procession should include bears, some clydesdales (6 or 8 is a good number), at least one dolphin in a rolling platform being pushed by some guys dressed up like members of Kiss, a few coyotes, 4 or 5 hippos, some kangaroos and a dragon if you can find one (elephants are cliche and possibly overkill - don't give into temptation). But don't leave out the small animals while you are shopping for big ones. Get a dozen or so kittens and bullfrogs, some iguanas, a few dozen guinea pigs. It's good to have a lot of variety. People power is key, too. Lots of people dressed up like things. Get the main characters from the Wizard of Oz, a bunch of pirates, many many people dressed up like Revolutionary War combatants (there are people who act these things out as a hobby - that means cheap!). Always popular are historical figures like Cleopatra, Napoleon, Tito, Churchill, Franco, Jefferson, Hirohito, Lincoln, Mao, Malcolm X, Neil Diamond, Greek mythology, the Caesars (Julius, Augustus and Chavez), Gordie Howe, Lenny Dykstra, Mike Schmidt, Bobby Thigpen, Frank Tanana, Ozzie Canseco, Matt Nokes. Also, get some drag queens, astronauts and Hell's Angels. Whatever you choose, there are some guidelines: some people are afraid of clowns, Muppets and Fraggle Rock (I am), so don't use those.
4. Your procession song will not be the same as everyone else's. You paid good money to get those high schoolers to show up to your wedding. Have a medley of songs played throughout the procession. Some suggestions: the Star Spangled Banner/Oh, Canada, the score the H.M.S. Pinafore (especially poignant if the marriage involves a lass that loves a sailor), You Never Can Tell (Chuck Berry - most would deem it appropriate for only a teenage wedding, but I think otherwise), Brown Eyed Girl (this is convenient if you can only get a guitar-wielding street performer to play your wedding, since they all know this song) and something by Duran Duran (Girls on Film, perhaps?).
6. Don't forget vendors. Include an ice cream truck or two in your procession. If you use an ice cream truck, it's only natural to include The Entertainer or Turkey in the Straw as one of the songs, too.
5. Bridal dresses and tuxedoes are no more. This day belongs to you, not cultural expectations so don't let them tell you what to think, feel and wear. Wear whatever you want. Wear nothing. Get pulled down the aisle on a rolling couch by a team of loinclothed men while you are wearing a bathrobe and taking hits off a 6 foot bong. Wear a sequined Neil Diamond-style outfit (perhaps more appropriate for a man, but I know I've seen shirts like that for girls). Wear a cheap vinyl Halloween costume complete with a plastic mask that cuts your face. Wear sweatpants and a filthy poncho, like you'd find at a Phish concert. Wear chain mail underpants and a tricorner hat.
7. You must remember: keep it theatrical. For example, at the end of whatever you do instead of reciting your vows (a childish and antiquated practice that could be replaced by a game of Rock'em Sock'em Robots, Madden 2004, plain old slapboxing, a Slip n' Slide contest [judge it by audience applause or something], a bakeoff [requires some planning], or some type of James Dean/Rebel Without a Cause chicken contest - just make it a competition with a clearly defined winner, okay?), consider having the female lead in the production can grab the microphone and tell the audience to look toward the heavens where a cage containing a leather masked coupled engaged in some S&M/The Secretary sex act begins descending. You now own the audience.
8. The ceremony is coming to a close. There has been a 90 minute parade of beautiful animals, circus geeks, mythical creatures and celebrity lookalikes engaged in disreputable acts. In lieu of having to see some boring wedding vows the audience got to see one of the 6 greatest Indian leg wrestling matches of all time. What do you do to end it? How do you exit the ceremony? Stroll along under a cascade of fireworks? Please. That's fine... if you are white trash. And this is where you should really splurge! You - you wonderful, amazing creature of fantastictude - will have a golden canoe (encrusted with teeth or jewels that say "Just married" or something) situated near the altar. The bride and groom climb into the canoe, pull a lever and the entire wall behind them collapses, revealing a wall of water that sends them shooting back down the aisle. It's biblical - the flood. Get it? Several members of the audience will undoubtedly drown, but that's what makes weddings memorable.
