BEST PIE
Apple-Blueberry
A synergy of epic proportions, this pie will likely have a special wing in the Pie Hall of Fame. It will not go unchallenged for the 2004 crown, but it remains the odds on favorite to retain its title.
Runners up: Berry. Apple. Pecan.
BEST NAME FOR A CITY, AMERICAN
Cardiff-by-the-Sea (CA, USA)
Most city names are jokes. "Rolling Meadows" is hardly what it name proclaims. "Salt Lake City" is not actually on or in Salt Lake. Cardiff-by-the-Sea returns accuracy and integrity to city naming. We hope 2004 brings city names that are as clear and honest as Cardiff-by-the-Sea.
Runners up: Fishs Eddy (NY, USA). Meat Camp (NC, USA).
BEST JOKE
Walking into a meeting at work and not acknowledging that you are completely wet from the waist down
I just think this is so funny. But if they open a briefcase and a fish flops out amid a rush of water, that's stupid and it destroys the whole thing. Because it's subtracting from the mystery of how he got wet in the first place. And no fish need to be hurt for a joke. Regardless, 2004 could be a strong year for this joke.
Runners up: Sex with hobos. Getting large phallic tattoos while drunk. White slavery.
BEST HISTORICAL CONSEQUENCE
Ancient lifeforms turning into fossil fuels
Everyone, whether they admit it or not, loves to smell gasoline on their fingers. If it weren't for these noble dinosaurs and plants dying and being crushed under the pressure and heat of the Earth (dare we call them martyrs?), we wouldn't be enjoying fossil fuels today. Or fossils.
Runners up: WWII leading to the ubiquity of pizza in America. Biosphere projects inspiring the Shore movie "Biodome".
BEST USE OF FRUIT
Sorbet
Frozen treats have long captured our imagination, though often praise is reserved for ice cream or popsicles. In 2003 we enjoyed sorbet so much that it wins Best Use of Fruit. Congratulations, and we can't wait to eat sorbet in 2004.
Runners up: Sauces. Juice. Thrown objects. Eaten plain.
BEST UTENSIL
Fork
When one admits that they used the fork not only for stabbing food, but also sometimes for cutting stuff, it's hard to deny that the fork proved extremely versatile in 2003. In addition to its ceaseless versatility, the fork was also a joy to use.
Runners up: Spoon. Knife.
BEST VENDING MACHINE CANDY
Mike n' Ikes
The shaking sound they make in the box reminds you of mom's valium bottle and the selection of fruit flavors is exciting. They typically last longer than most vending machine treats and their box lacks the sagging wrapper that will often cause Twix bars or Cheez-Its to get stuck in the dispensing ring. Mike n' Ikes were a cut above all other vending machine candy in 2003.
Runners up: Stale chocolate chip cookies. Stale Pop-Tarts.
