EARTHQUAKE THREAT ADVISORY LEVEL RAISED TO "RED DEVIL BRAND CAULK AND SEALANT"
The United States Geological Survey said today that every American living in a state that touches the Pacific Ocean is advised to be on the highest state of alert for possible earthquakes.
Due to what they referred to as "highly reliable intelligence", they raised the earthquake threat advisory level from "HOME DEPOT ORANGE" ("ABSOLUT MANDARIN ORANGE" in certain metropolitan markets) to "RED DEVIL BRAND CAULK AND SEALANT" in the Western US. The intelligence indicated that there may or may not be substantial or insubstantial earthquake attacks in the Pacific Rim in the next few months or years. Because of this, Americans living in the West should be on the highest state of alert, looking out for possible earthquake-related activity - including rattling shelves, crumbling brick buildings or swaying freeways.
If you see possible earthquake related activity, do not be a hero and try to stop it. Report the activity and make yourself safe by getting in your USGS Approved EARTHQUAKE THREAT TUFF SHED that you purchased at HOME DEPOT.
The USGS also advised Americans that RED DEVIL's line of caulk, sealant and painting supplies provide an unbeatable value, particularly if you are considering rebuilding your house after a major earthquake possibly hits the Pacific coast in the next few months or years. RED DEVIL's products come with an attractive guarantee and can be purchased at earth-shatteringly low prices at HOME DEPOT.
The USGS reiterated that the popular tourist destination Walt Disney World still carries the lowest earthquake threat advisory of BLUE by AMERICAN EXPRESS, meaning almost no risk of an earthquake attack, but there still could be an earthquake attack, so be on the lookout. Also be on the lookout for valuable coupons for Orlando-area lodging and car rentals presented to you by USGS in your mailbox.
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Similar concept would work well for NOAA and weather, USDA/FDA and food, Dept of Commerce/FTC and general retail things (more a general clearinghouse for ad alerts - "Commerce Secretary Evans issued a warning of low prices on GM automobiles in the upper Midwest today"), NASA and unfriendly space aliens, Selective Service and any combat activity in the world, etc.
