The Bureau of Beard and Moustache Regulatory Affairs will oversee and regulate the facial hair matters of all people residing in or visiting America.
Here's how it works: facial hair is not a right, it is a privilege. The Bureau of Beard and Moustache Regulatory Affairs will analyze your facial hair features and if you are deemed fit to have facial hair, you can grow your beard, moustache or both.
However, you can't grow any kind. You are given a "Class A" beard/moustache license if you can grow any kind. You have nice looking facial hair. "Class B" through "Class Y" will have restrictions on length and style. "Class Z" license means you have facial hair likea 14 year old boy (or are one) and therefore must keep your face cleanly trimmed. If you are found to have facial hair that exceeds the boundaries that are defined for your license, you are in violation of the Beard and Moustache Reform Act of 2004 and are subject to the involuntary grooming guidelines set forth in the law, which include but are not limited to being kidnapped and having your facial hair removed.
You may appeal your classification and get a Temporary Facial Hair Growth Permit which allows you to grow facial hair for up to 3 weeks from the date of issue, at which point the Bureau of Beard and Moustache Regulatory Affairs will reevaluate your facial hair. During the appeal, the Bureau may increase or decrease your beard growing permit and the decision is final. Young men receive 1 appeal per year, starting on their birthday. Old guys get 1 appeal every 3 years. Appeals do not accumulate, though they may be transferred in the Beard and Moustache Appeals Market. Individual licenses for beard and moustache growth may not be transferred - only appeals.
The Bureau of Beard and Moustache Regulatory Affairs is a cabinet level agency closely affiliated with the Department of Defense, except bigger and more powerful and better funded with more weapons.
Bureau of Beard and Moustache Regulatory Affairs employs 2.6 million people, including 2.4 million agents ("facial hair bounty hunters") in the Beard and Moustache Enforcement Agency, which brutally enforce the Beard and Moustache Reform Act of 2004 and subsequent beard and moustache acts. The agents operate outside the law. Their job is to roam the country finding outlaw facial hair and neutralizing. Every facial hair bounty hunter has received extensive training in the safe operation of battery operated facial hair razors and semi-automatic firearms.
