FACT: A girl that bit my brother on the ass when she was 6 years old went on to major in puppetry in college (not a joke - this is a fact). This provides a clear link between people who are capable of evil and puppets.
FACT: Today I was hitting balls at the driving range. I was crushing them, I haven't felt that good about anything a really long time. I'm consistently getting 155-160 on my 8 iron and I couldn't be happier about it. The asshole next to me had his girlfriend with him and, hot tip fellas: If you hate your girlfriend, take her to the driving range and let her watch you attempt to hit golf balls. Unless she is medicated, the next morning you'll find that she's going to react with things like soaking all of your underpants so you only have wet underpants to wear to work or pouring salt in your milk.
This was written in the style of a profile for a third party candidate for governor.
