Good evening America. I'm running for president and I'd like your vote.
I think we are living in tremendous times. Very tremendous indeed. And I share your concern, or your excitement, about how tremendous these times are.
America is a place where good things can happen.
We should agree that America ought to be safe and secure and prosperous.
Thank you. God bless America.
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I think this is probably a good "introductory" speech. It is very bipartisan - both cats and dogs. It avoids controversy, no attacks. Should be vague, needs to say, "This guy gets it. Whatever you think 'it' is, this guy gets it." I think I might need some more biographical stuff - maybe pictures of dogs and cats I had growing up. I think it is important that when people go into the voting booth and see my name, they just immediately think "kittens and puppies." You will have a hard time voting against that. You won't remember my bizarre, indefensible positions on all manner of issues (i.e. blowing up the moon), you'll just think "kittens, puppies." I'm a new kind of candidate. I'm different. I'm mostly a set of mascots. To reinforce this message, I think most of my commercials will just be 30 second spots of cats or dogs playing with something upbeat and fun in the background - Diner, probably. You know, I'm starting to think that maybe I should just be a campaign guy - craft messages about cats and dogs for completely unelectable candidates.
