There are places where deciding whatever ought to think or feel or choose is relatively easy. There are heuristics or models through which you can look at things. There's ways to think about the good and bad or how to understand something, and they make the big and difficult more understandable. Billion dollar companies are like lemonade stands, right? Nothing like this seems to work for death. It feels enormous and stays enormous and you can't untangle the stuff you are thinking about - the good, the bad, the really bad. Sometimes it feels like trying to wrestle a thousand small dogs or trying to untangle a boulder of made from miles of Christmas lights. The feelings are wobbly and you don't know where to go with your thoughts or how far to take them because there's no place to put them or any certainty you do happen to come across, so all thats left is to continue to second-guess yourself.
The days kind of drip along, it feels cloudy and distant, and I suppose I wait for something else to happen. In this way, I am glad I'm basically committed to moving to Europe. If I weren't, I'm concerned with what I'd be doing right now. There are times when my head feels like a balloon. I wonder why I've approached so many things with reservation. What the hell was I afraid of? Why does it seem different now?
