Several hours later we were collapsed in our seats eating slices of Chicago-style pizza and watching pornography on a portable DVD player that Billingsley's forward thinking afforded us. One of the women on our bus - bleached blonde hair and heavy black eyeliner, much like the woman being railed in the pornographic feature that engaged us - offered us some Valium and sexual favors in exchange for English lessons. Billingsley and I winked at each other in silent agreement that this would be the best vacation ever.
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The captain of our yacht handed us an updated itinerary, but Billingsley and I stared at him with the glossy eyed indifference of two people who were high on cocaine, which we were, as a result of a fortuitous encounter while in port in Caracas. The captain believes I have been sleeping with his daughter, which I have, which he warned me against doing and this fact has led to many situations which would fill an audience with laughter. Billingsley's has taken to robbing high end liquor and wine emporia while we are in port. Like me, he also very much enjoys sleeping with the captain's daughter.
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A week ago we finally reached Monaco, which I couldn't be happier to see. Four nights ago we finished off the last of the Venezuelan cocaine with some Jell-O shots and premium French prostitutes in an upscale hotel-casino. One of the prostitutes has been with us ever since. I was told Billingsley married her, but not before I had suggested we engage each other carnally in the little boy's room. Such a comment earned me a kick in the stomach, but also the most passionate kiss one could ever hope to receive from the third most beautiful French prostitute.
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We have earned the ire of the local law enforcement authorities and must escape this desperate place. Will report more later.
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We are on a small island with an unfamiliar language and uncertain emphatic gestures. I enjoy the soup-like dish that we eat at nearly every meal. It's quite spicy. We have taken a room in a farmhouse and Billingsley and I share the company of the eldest daughter nearly every night. We have resolved to not teach her or any of her sisters English.
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In what we believe to be a rite of passage into manhood, our female interest's father has scorched off Billingsley's and mine's body hair with a flaming palm frond. It's like a Bar Mitzvah. The smoothness is uncomfortably satisfying.
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Billingsley's hands have been cut off for stealing wine. For having no hands, he is unusually happy, since he can't do much manual labor. I have been sentenced to several years in prison for, as best as I can understand, violating certain anti-sexuality laws, which carries the unusual burden of having to copy children's books. In conclusion, it was the best spring break ever.
