Hello! It is summer and you have decided to make a holiday. Congratulations! Let me give you free, high-quality advice about your holiday-making!
THE AMERICAN SUPERCONTINENT
The United States of America
As a recently discovered nation, there is still much savagery, thievery and lawlessness. Women: clutch your purse closely. Men: clutch your women closely. Purses: clutch your money closely, as that is your only duty. Interesting sites to take in include the upstart Disney franchise. Enjoy the local flavors at a McDonald's restaurant. While vacationing in America, it is custom to throw the change from your hamburger breakfast, lunch or dinner at children.
Canada
Shaped like a boot, its residents will regale you with long-winded drunken tales of boot thievery and purse-snatching. There's a big mall in Edmonton and the children will bite you if you throw your hamburger change at them, so be sure you are not in America (someone told me Canadian children have rabies).
Mexico
Mexico is either The Land that Time Forgot or The Land Before Time - I forget which. Either way, you will enjoy your stay here. Pasty white legs and fanny packs are considered marks of wealth and good luck, so show them off with class and dignity. Mexico has few societal problems and has a well-developed social infrastructure which supports a variety of industries - from apparel/clothing manufacturing to Volkswagen Beatle manufacturing.
AFRICA, WHERE IT HURTS SO GOOD
I believe this place is home to pyramids and, consequently, Pyramid Hefeweizen, which I enjoy very much.
THE EUROPEAN LOW-FAT CONTINENT
United Kingdom
Well known for its dinosaurs, the Brits would 'dig it' if you brought your shovel and began inscrupulously digging holes wherever your enlarged heart desires. In Scotland they enjoy deep-fried anything (fish, Mars bars, pizza, etc.), so begin thinking of stuff you hate that might taste good when dipped in batter and fried in palm oil.
Italy
The Sunshine State as it is known is the ancestral home to country music, rodeo clowning, baseball, alluminum foil, cheese danish and dreamcatchers. Many cities lack strong architectural or engineering standards - Pisa has built a cottage tourist attraction out of their absence. Avoid Italy if you don't like lasagna, spaghetti or organized crime.
Spain
In Spain, men dress like women, women dress like robots, robots dress like children and children dress like their favorite animal. It's a confusing but rewarding place to take a vacation. They have casual Fridays and most people will let you have their car if you ask nicely, since it is a perfectly communist utopia. Any actual labor is performed by slaves.
France
France, founded in 1988 when construction on EuroDisney began, is a brutal and desperate country filled with children who ride around drunkenly on bicycles with baguettes sticking out of baskets. The police will pull your teeth out with pliers if you look at the Eiffel Tower or say anything in English or have an accent that is clearly not Parisian. I cannot urge you enough: stay away from France.
ASIA, CONTINENT OF COLLECTIBLES
China
A fun-loving culture that enjoys a well-timed practical joke. Due to its large population, being in China is a bit like living in a frat house or being in a cozy house with a big family - everyone enjoys the little foibles and quirks of everyone else. Take a stroll through a live market and laugh at what these people eat. China is communist, so (like Spain) it is okay to take whatever you want. When you arrive in China, just find an empty house or apartment and stay as long as you wish.
Japan
Several years ago Japan was converted to one giant semiconductor factory. It's an all-right tour, but bring lunch because they only have one or two vending machines in the employee break room and the soda machine usually only has Mello-Yello or Fresca left.
India
Since their collective adoption of the Euro, the relationship between India and Pakistan has changed from "bitter nuclear rivals" to "college buddies at a homecoming game." They enjoy cricket, curry, jokes about poop and slap-boxing. Try one of them or all four! Most Indians like it when tourists lick their faces, so they'll give you gifts if you do that.
SEVEN YEARS IN OCEANIA
Australia
A country that no longer exists, it was a victim of the Nabisco-RJR merger, chronicled in the HBO original movie "Barbarians at the Gate."
New Zealand
An economic climate driven by hatred, fear, motorcycles, pornography, velvet manufacturing and canned goods production, New Zealand is the ideal place for a family vacation since they think drunk children are about the funniest thing in the world (which they are). Laugh as junior tries to beat up a wallaby, kangaroo or something like that. Kiwis like to gamble on everything - especially pissing contests, so drink lots of water.
