Anyway, after he was born he walked really late and so people started making fun of him because of how unremarkable he was for someone hatched from a spicy egg. He picked up a sharp thing nearby and stabbed the person who said this, hence his name - Tom "Donny 'The Remarkable Bandit' " Mathews.
So there he was - a pile of dead people who had made fun of him and a reputation for being remarkable to live up to. So, after remembering that movies always made a point of showing bodies floating to surface of lakes or rivers, he fastened these bodies together with twine that was not made from hemp, because drugs destroy peoples lives, to create a rudimentary human raft. And he sailed. He sailed near and far and when he reached a new city he would steal and do all sorts of awful things, hence his name "The Benevolent Captian" Tom "Donny 'The Remarkable Bandit' " Mathews.
And he self-identified with the tragic character from The Big Lebowski, that's where Donny comes from.
But back to the story. So in the mid to late 80s there was this TV show - Pee Wee Herman's Playhouse and they would have foil balls and rubber band balls. And Tom invented this. His name is all over the copyright and patent offices for all manner of things. He started filing all manner of intellectual property lawsuits and he all manner of settlement money started pouring in. And so this is how his philanthropic endeavours started: money from IP lawsuits being handed out to strippers at their place of business.
And it was strippers because he wasn't much of a ladies man, to be perfectly honest. His only line was, "I hatched from a spicy egg" which doesn't exactly strike the right chord with most Female-Americans. But strippers would listen to his stories of his hatched birth, high seas adventuring on a raft made from his victims of murder/self-defense and stare at his incredible wealth. One stripper in particular, Cinnamon, he took a liking to and they decided to donate more money to education, thus we have, as it is officially known, The Benevolent Captain Tom "Donny 'The Remarkable Bandit' " & Cinnamon Mathews Library at Princeton University. Unofficially, you may call it The Mathews Library. There is an espresso bar on the plaza level called Donny & Cinnamon's, which in addition to being a lucrative student body funding source also commemorates the couple's shared love of steamed milk. Are there any questions? Well, good. Thank you for considering Princeton in your college search. I wish you the best of luck and hope to see you here next fall.
