For example, in one of my elective classes on alligator wrestling, a professor was saying that alligator wrestling only advances when young wrestlers take the time to learn from their predecessors. He also said that in the 1950s, when they recruited young buff studs straight out of high school to be alligator wrestlers, they had more maimings, amputations and "unfortunitudes" per capita than in any other decade. Since the 1960s International Association of Professional Alligator and Crocodile Wrestlers has funded pre-professional degree programs for young wrestlers.
Gentlemen, us shark wranglers need to do the same. For the first time in history, gross applications to post-graduate programs in the shark wrangling sciences has dropped. We are losing a generation of wranglers to law, medical, engineering and business schools.
We need to revamp the image of shark wranglers. We are no longer prissy contructivists who enjoy making out with other constructivists in public spaces to piss off expressionists, but bless the souls of our forewranglers who were. We are RICH AND POWERFUL. We are SEXY AND BEAUTIFUL. We DRIVE FAST CARS. We EAT FOIE GRAS IF THAT'S WHAT YOU LIKE. We spend OUR MONEY WISELY. We don't PISS IT AWAY ON SUPERBALLS AND REESE'S PIECES LIKE THOSE DIRTY LAWYERS. We are SMART. We have FINALLY KICKED OUR COCAINE HABIT. At long last, THE RASH HAS GONE AWAY.
More than a dozen US presidents (including most of the decent ones, like Jefferson, Hoover, Truman and both Adams) were shark wranglers before, during or after their presidency and each one has their shark wrangler's badge number engraved on their tombstone, except for Truman who still walks among us and reminds us that shark wranglers have the longest lifespan of anyone in the universe - averaging over 120 years.
Shark wrangling is a noble profession. If anyone says it's a candy eater's weekend fancy I'll kick their teeth out. Shark wranglers are not candy eaters. According to the American Dental Association, the rate of cavities among shark wranglers is 75% lower than the general population and 95% lower than lawyers.
But back to the topic at hand: the dire academic straits of professional shark wrangling. Last year, the storied California Institute of Sharkwranglery changed its name to the California Institute of Technology. My own alma mater, the Massachusetts Shark Wrangling Technological Institute made a similar change several years ago. It's understandable that these places, which built their reputation on the lauded shark wrangling enterprise, would want to expand their educational offerings - economies of scope, if you will - and change their name to reflect that. But when Yale's Bernard Mac College of Shark Wrangling was swallowed by the Graduate College of Arts & Sciences and consequently suffered the indignity of becoming a faceless department in a bloated academic bureau - THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW. Apart from an ardent desire to learn and uncover truth, us shark wranglers have nothing in common with the liberal arts brats at Yale. Yet now those who wish to pursue graduate study in shark wrangling at Yale must apply to the Graduate School of Arts & Sciences. SELF-DETERMINISM, MY BROTHERS, SISTERS, AUNTS, UNCLES, COUSINS, PARENTS AND ACQUAINTENCES!
My new book, The Shark Wrangler's Renaissance is about self-determinism. It is about how we can reclaim shark wrangling for ourselves - rescue the future shark wrangling professionals from those who do not understand shark wrangling, like the filthy fucks at Yale.
Inc conclusion, please buy my book and begin a campaign of violent resistance against all authority figures until our demands for independent, self-governing shark wrangling academic units are met. Thank you.
