I do grocery shopping at places that are kind of havens for dirty, filthy tourists. I suppose I could go elsewhere, but the places within walking distance are these places. An ugly situation, you understand. These dirty filthy tourists wouldn't bother me if they stood off to the side and let us Urban Achievers live our lives as quickly as possible (because that's part of what interests them, right? How fast and smooth we live? How our steps are deft and calculated and we live with conviction and fortitude and we don't waste our time with frozen pizza pockets but eat food that reflects the depth and purpose with which we live?). But the tourists are walking SO VERY SLOWLY and they are IN MY WAY and ALL I WANT IS: some fucking BASIL and a few fucking pounds of delicious ROMA TOMATOES and some goddamn ANDOUILLE SAUSAGE and, if it's prudent, some type of lovely shellfish (because, as you know, summer is about the worst time to get shellfish) and if it's not prudent maybe some shrimp or a small halibut fillet. I was thinking about making jambalaya, a fun word to say.
But the tourists. Here's my idea: create Disney's [CITY NAME HERE] Adventure. It would be located in or very very close to a city's airport. It will have all the things a tourist could want in a convenient theme park where you can walk as slow as you want in without pissing me off. The food will be bland and deep fried, just like they like it. There will be some type of gondola ride that takes you over the actual city but doesn't let them out. There will be a store where they can replenish their supply of fanny packs, shorts and [CITY NAME HERE] shirts.
The other thing is that I generally walk slower than others (a function of short legs and sloth). Meaning you must be doing something horribly wrong to make me think you are going too slow.
People talking about their sleep dreams sucks but people talking about their 401k sucks even worse. With that, I tell you that having 20% of my 401k invested in European and Asian markets makes me feel worldly. Not rich. Just worldly. And if you feel worldly while you are eating a corn dog and watching taped episodes of Dawson's Creek - you, like me, are slightly delusional.
I've reached that point in my life where I've begun thinking about buying a pink tie or a pink shirt (NOT THIS PINK SHIRT). I think the pink tie would be worn on top a French blue shirt (but it could be worn inside the shirt, too). Pink shirt would be worn with a really plain black tie and the standard 3-button black suit (would that look weird? I'm beginning to think it would). And while I'm fairly confident I could pull off The Pink Thing, I'm hesitant to buy something pink because the occassions in which I could actually do The Pink Thing are few. Because I don't wear a tie to work and I'm not proud enough to wear a pink shirt to work. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's at least 3 people who would laugh at me and let me know that they get the joke. But I could wear it to cultural events and if we actually went to enough of them that begged for Dress Shirt and Tie, I would invest in the Pink Shirt or Pink Tie. I guess what I'm trying to say is WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME OUT ANYMORE? ARE YOU ASHAMED OF ME? DO YOU NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO US?
