From: Me
Subject: Paycheck concerns
Hello!
Let me first say that I appreciate the work you do and it pains me that our only communication comes in my times of unfortunitude, like when I entered wrong project codes or right now, for example.
Several months ago I addressed a memorandum to you regarding my need for you to discontinue the practice of automatically depositing my pay in my bank account via ACH. Instead, I asked to be paid in bars of gold stuffed inside boxes that would lead someone to believe that the contents are actually feminine products. I did not ask for contracts for gold futures, either. Gold bars.
You see, I'm building a time machine and my bank account is useless if I haven't yet established it. Further, the $20s that come out of the ATM look phoney to all of the shopkeepers. Also, all of the money has date stamps. Plus, if I travel overseas while I'm back in time, it's even more useless. As you can see, gold bars would be solving a number of my problems.
At your earliest convenience, I'd like an update on the status of my request.
Cheers,
K.
P.S. Sorry about the sliding glass door. I hope your roommate is okay. She shouldn't have been looking at me that way, though.
P.P.S. Do you have a copy of H.G. Wells' "The Time Machine"? My library card has a bunch of fines and they refuse to take gold bars. Or if you don't have it, then maybe a copy of the Cliffs Notes? I just want it for the technical drawings of how to build it and what materials to use. Or if you know of someone who is selling a DeLorean that accepts gold bars, give me their number, too.
