Every single job counselor will tell you to "Be assertive" in your search for work. You know what? They are right.
You have to be assertive because nobody actually gets hired for work anymore. That's an antiquated process - it went the way of the rotary telephone, sock darning and radio sit-coms about 200 years ago. "But how do you get a job if you aren't actually hired?" you ask.
And I answer: "You take a job." That's it. People just take jobs. They find a company they'd like to work for, assert themselves, show up one morning and begin plugging away at spreadsheets. It's just that easy.
How will the company know you work there? Most of the time there is some sort of computer security policy, so you have to let the network administrator know you are working there. You can just tell them that the network is being troublesome and won't let you log on. They'll create a username and password for you. Welcome to the company! Then on payday you walk down to payroll and complain that you didn't get your direct deposit notification. Be careful - this is where you negotiate salary.
But why are there still advertisements for these entirely fictional "job openings"? Because people like to post them! It's fun! What do you think the human resource or recruitment department does all day? They picked their jobs because they like crafting narrative summaries of jobs that don't actually exist. Most of them are also fiction writers.1 Applying to these jobs, while it's a complete waste of your time, provides publishing house editorial trainees with some word-meat to cut their teeth on.
You must be wondering "How do you pick a job?" And the truth is that it doesn't really matter.
For example: do you have a few friends that all work on the same floor of a large office building? Follow them to work one day and set your lunchbox down on an empty desk. Take a look at what is coming out of the printers and fax machines - then start doing some of that. If you get a little bored, just have a look at the computer screens of your coworkers. You'll understand why the American corporate system has been the backbone of the greatest Olympic free cell dynasty in the history of the universe.
Some of the easiest and most fun jobs to get are public service jobs. In the hot summer months you might find yourself at the beach. Why not make some money while you're at it? Wear a red swimsuit, dark sunglasses and hop on the lifeguard's chair. Nobody expects a thing from you because all of the other guards are just as horribly unqualified as you are. As a rule, lifeguards always wear sunscreen and never smile when they are on the chair.
If you ever find yourself bored and without a job around August or September, consider teaching. There are a wide variety of ages to choose from - kindergarten to college. As a warning, colleges will sometimes ask you to do "research" and the requisite office decor for a professor is book-lined shelves. Most colleges, however, provide libraries as a sort of interior decorating superstore. All of the books are free. Research can be whatever you want it to be, as long as it is really self-important and doesn't have much to do with anything in particular. A good way to get started is to just copy some of the more confusing passages from your new books and add incomprehensible footnotes. Add an overly ceremonious acknowledgements sections with "special thanks" to the people who work around you (it guarantees you'll get a nicer birthday present - maybe a new tweed coat with leather patches?) and your current email paramour.
A few years ago, really bad comedians made jokes about how many lawyers there are. And it's true - there are a ton of them. But it's because the job pays so well and couldn't be easier to get! Acquire a collection of leather bound books (which makes this a good job for bored professors) and you are half-way there. The other half is a grey suit (pant-suit for the ladies). Just start filling any empty office with your things in an empty office and append your name with "J.D."
But that's a key point - it needs to be an empty office. Jobs like "eccentric billionaire sports team owner" or "overrated female actress" rarely have empty slots. But if you happen to be around at the right time, consider yourself one lucky bastard!
That's all you have to do. Assert yourself. Show up where you want to work and sit in an empty desk. Good luck with your job search.
1There has been a well-established symbiosis between human resource departments and publishing houses since the 19th century. Publishing is among the least profitable industries - it would collapse without leaning on all these other businesses. The only industry that loses more money is retail coffee. Some of the more notable human resource managers slash writers are: Tennessee Williams, Upton Sinclair, Herman Melville (his friend Nathaniel Hawthorne was an Oracle database administrator), Henry Thoreau, William Faulkner, Emily Dickinson and Bret Harte.
More recently, authors have been salespeople. Door-to-door sugar sales, lampooned in Simpsons episode #1F17, has supported the livelihoods of Norman Mailer, John Irving, Arthur Miller, John Updike and Gore Vidal. Hunter S. Thompson is still selling sugar along his route in his hometown of Louisville.
