I'm happy to report that if you are looking for a job at Chick-Fil-A, you will probably find this site 2nd - after the Chick-Fil-A corporate site's "positions" page, because I give these posts mostly senseless titles from songs I'm listening to (Ben Folds, "Army" - "Grew a mustache and a mullet/ Got a job at Chick-Fil-A/ Citing artistic differences, the band broke up in May/ And in June reformed with out me/ And they got a different name/ Nuked another Grandma's Apple Pie and hung my head in shame") or TV shows I'm watching or what have you. I could stop this and the internet would work a little better, but they need titles, I guess, and I'm not sure where I'd get titles otherwise.
Seriously seriously good music. You hear it and your ass just starts shaking, as if possessed by a demon.
A few weeks ago I was having lunch with someone who has an equally odd relationship with food as I do. I kind of pushed my cinnamon apples across the table and her eyes got really wide and I brought up the more abstract aspects of eating. I basically started talking about how the stupid aphorism about being what you eat is entirely true. When we eat, we are making choices that stem from a number of different places - social, moral, physical, historical, political, etc - and that these choices serve as a reflection of our self-identity (race, class, geography, subculture, etc.). Deservedly, I got a funny look. And I began digging around me for examples. "You're Catholic, right? (Note: I am not a religious scholar and haven't been to a church, save for weddings, in about half a decade) Food's all over the Bible, isn't it? Fish, bread, body of Jesus, sacrament, and so on." Sure.
Then I begin grasping at air. "I'm enjoying these delicious pork ribs, right? What does this say about me?" Pause. "Well, I'm not kosher and not a vegetarian - which are spiritual and moral or political choices. Given how the pork is prepared, I was probably raised in the United States. Slow cooked pork - which this allegedly is - is part is part of the culinary legacy of the American South. You might infer, incorrectly, that I was raised with it in my family or, more accurately, that I didn't have it in my family and am not accustomed to good barbecue or I am simply stupid, so that's why I have ordered this at a restaurant that's traded on the NYSE." I could go on, but you'll just think less of me because my argument just continued to deteriorate and land on uninterested ears. But I still think that the choices we make with food reflect more of our moral and social foundations that we think.
If ya gotta problem, yo I'll solve it *
PROBLEM:
Your entire life you think you're straight and, during a bachelor party, you are completely bored at the strip club, often looking at your watch and wishing that there was something else to do in this disgusting, smokey craphole - like bumper pool or a pinball or something.
DIAGNOSIS:
I have attention deficit disorder.
SOLUTION:
Concerta (methylphenidate)
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PROBLEM:
During a meeting at work you find yourself drifting off, doodling pictures of leprechauns and unicorns engaged in an epic holy war. At the meeting's conclusion, you stand up and realize you have wet your pants.
DIAGNOSIS:
You lack self-confidence and are afraid to succeed.
SOLUTION:
Ativan (lorazepam)
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PROBLEM:
You've begun taking longer and longer routes to the bus stop so you don't have to confront the buskers.
DIAGNOSIS:
Begging-Related Anxiety Disorder
SOLUTION:
BuSpar (buspirone) 30 mg
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PROBLEM:
You keep "accidentally" leaving your child at the grocery store, Home Depot, the bar, etc.
DIAGNOSIS:
Alcoholism or early stages of memory failure
SOLUTION:
Stop drinking or Aricept (donepezil)
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PROBLEM:
Head hurts, feet stink, don't love Jesus
DIAGNOSIS:
Migraines; onychomycosis; depression
SOLUTION:
Relpax (eletriptan); Lamisil (terbinafine); Zoloft (sertraline)
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PROBLEM:
You find your wife cheating on you with your best friend and begin fighting him, only to get your ass thoroughly kicked.
DIAGNOSIS:
Rage and pain.
SOLUTION:
Either Janimine or Tofranil (imipramine) and Ultram (tramadol)
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PROBLEM:
"Dear Abby, I have a friend I'll call Cameron. Cameron is a very judgmental person. My mom watches her every summer.
Mom doesn't like the fact that Cameron is always saying how dumb and stupid people look as she sees them pass by. Mom is going to talk to her and tell her to straighten up, or she can't come over next summer. If that happens, I know Cameron will ask me why she can't. What do I tell her? If I tell her the truth, I'm afraid she'll be mad at me and not want to be my friend anymore. I don't want to lose my friendship with her because she makes me laugh."
DIAGNOSIS:
Cameron: anti-social behavior/manic depressive. You: social anxiety disorder.
SOLUTION:
Cameron: Lithobid (lithium carbonate) You: Lexapro (escitalopram)
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PROBLEM:
"My problem is that I like this guy but he already has a girlfriend and I don't want to be a man stealer or mess up their relationship by saying something. I mean he doesn't even know that I like him! So how do I get over this guy, and still be happy with my decision?"
DIAGNOSIS:
Low self esteem/sex drive too high
SOLUTION:
Paxil (paroxetine)
* - I am not a pharmacist and the last formal science learnin' I had (assuming you don't count math) was high school chemistry and physics. My reasoning is based mostly on television commercials and magazine advertisements.