Word I'd like to have: the feeling you seek when you watch a television airing of a movie that sucks or you already have the DVD of. It's sort of like community or belonging or collective experience or association, but it's different.
Secret phrases for robot voice response, when they ask what you need help with:
"Drank a lot of cranberry juice really fast and I'm worried that I'm going to die, which wouldn't be a real big deal, except I'm a sinner!" - this will either get you to the correct customer service person or the company's chaplain
"I think my cell phone is making it difficult for me to cry, because those nuclear radions are blasting my tears all away into the ozone or something. Is there a setting on my phone or account where I can turn this off, so I can feel emotions again?" - head of customer service
"Left all of my Scritti Politti vinyl in the trunk of my friend's Datsun and he left town and he won't send them back to me" - this will get you straight to the desk of the CEO, who is a huge Scritti Politti fan
"I have an illegal hypnotist next door. Is it safe to go outside or do his powers involve a kind of hypnosis fog that makes people his slaves if they get near him?" - Investor relations. Can be helpful when your questions on analyst calls get elliptical answers and you want to get some straight answers.
"Accidentally wore my shoes on the wrong feet and didn't switch them for like 5 or 6 hours. Will I be gay the next time I wake up from sleeping?" - This is how you get free stuff from the company.
"What's the best way to cheat my stupid cell phone company?" - this will give you a pre-recorded message about how to cheat the stupid cell phone company
